No, I haven’t lost my mind. Today I am lamenting the professional curse of caring about semantics and being an English major in an Internet world.
To start, I must insist publicly that the title of my column is 100 percent accurate and no one can deny it. Why? Because a UFO is an Unidentified Flying Object. Humans have been seeing UFOs for thousands of years. All of those 20th century photos are authentic U.F.O.s. That said, can we just agree that what we are all really arguing about is whether or not UFOs are extraterrestrial spacecraft? Perhaps they are rogue weather balloons or rabid turkey-vultures, but let’s just call a thing what it is and move on. I would also like to point out the irony that when we confirm our first alien spacecraft, it will not be a UFO because we will have identified what it is. Just saying.
A friend recently shared this profound thought with me; when you watch a teenager texting 40 words a minute, you have to completely re-think the expression “all thumbs.” I agree. I will likely need carpal tunnel surgery on my hands soon because I wasn’t raised to type that way.
Recent life events have made me realize my million-dollar business is just around the corner. I may make stuffed animals from dryer lint, or perhaps I’ll open a restaurant that only sells yellow food. Don’t worry… I’m just going to put the word “Bridal” in front of every item and jack up all my prices 300 percent. Apparently “bride” is the most expensive thing a person can be in life, except perhaps “college student”. Two months ago I bought a cake for 50 people at Walmart for $48. The bridal cake I want starts at $7 per slice. I hope only eight of the guests at the wedding are hungry.
I have my television on a lot while I’m working. Right now there is a commercial touting the wonderful benefits of the latest miracle drug. I don’t remember anything about it other than the stupid claim that “this has been proven in over seven clinical trials”. Now, I can understand if you did more than a million or even more than one hundred, but seriously… more than seven…? You can’t just say eight, or ten? I hope you’re better at chemistry than statistics.
News people aren’t much better. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “More than 34 states have ratified…” Soooo, 35?
My other favorite is “do not take [this drug] if you are allergic to [this drug] or any of its ingredients”. Really? Also, don’t drink poison or cross against the light. Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Speaking of obvious, I am really enjoying all the Democratic leaders who are complaining about having undocumented immigrants sent to their sanctuary cities. Umm… if you send them somewhere else, they may later be sent out of the country; then who will be left to vote for you or add to your census numbers so you get another member of congress in your state?
And just because I’m in the right mood, here is just a sampling of “The dumbest thing you ever heard” from Twitter…
• I have a friend who is Indian; he’s from Pakistan.
• What kind of animal is Donkey from the movie Shrek?
• That movie was terrible. It was so obvious they weren’t real dinosaurs.
• I don’t understand the big deal about pregnant women smoking. Babies can’t breathe in their bellies.
And, literally, everyone who ever got on the Internet to say “I don’t think doing XXX makes you a bad parent, per se. But my kids are much better off because I don’t do that thing you just said you do.” With that, I tip my hat to every parent of a non-autistic, non-ADHD child who gives me the hairy eyeball whenever they see my son carrying around an iPad.
Meanwhile, this is my favorite new meme…