HomeRegular FeaturesAdvo-CatieAdvo-Catie: Blame it On Rio

Advo-Catie: Blame it On Rio

Some of these observations I pilfered from my friend Wendi, but here goes…

Overall, my impressions of the Olympics are that I have turned into a total cougar. Top of the list, Devon Allen, the hurdler from Oregon. He came in 5th, but I don’t think he’ll mind once he claims Ryan Lochte’s lost endorsements from Speedo and Ralph Lauren. Gold medal in hotness.

Sorry the U.S. lost in beach volleyball, but the kind of happy where fans drag a 6’7″ athlete into the stands and hug him nearly to death is great to see.

Simon Biles is 4’8″. The legal height for kids to lose the booster seat is 4’9″. Can you tell a gold x4 medalist she can’t drive a car?

Bill Murray said every Olympic sport should have one average person for comparison. I couldn’t agree more, especially when I watch a few and suddenly I’m an expert on spike technique, starter block position, or body rotation and sticking the landing. I broke my arm doing a single handspring, but I am totally dissing that hop on the double-layout-two-and-a-half-twist off the uneven bars. Sheesh!

I will enjoy telling my grandkids I saw Michael Phelps do it in real time.

Never wag your “#1” finger in the Americans’ face—that’s just a dare and you’re asking for a smackdown!

NBC would have you believe there are four athletes; Phelps, Biles, Walsh-Jennings, and Bolt; and maybe a dozen events. Let’s take a moment to thank all 11,000 athletes who worked very hard for the past four years, or 40, to give us two weeks of is-it-football-season-yet entertainment.

My favorite athlete is Oksana Chusovitina, the Uzbek who competed as her country’s only gymnast entrant in her 7th Olympics. Seriously, this woman is 41 years old and placed 7th in vault! She also beat 33 other gymnasts on the beam. I’m a lazy slob.

I also have to insist that we notice the horses in the equestrian events. These noble creatures are doing most of the work; dancing(!) and banging knees into wood logs, but humans get the medals? Nice.

I really wish the gymnastics judges could make up their minds as quickly as the diving judges. The whole competition would be 60 percent shorter. They already know the starting difficulty score, and then it’s just a matter of deducting for mistakes. The waiting is killing me!

But while we’re on diving, can we please do something about those men’s swimsuits? How do they even stay on? These events are on in prime time and I couldn’t get more Chinese crack if I was a Shanghai drug lord.

Remember 1984 when Zola Budd pushed Mary Decker out of the 1500M? Budd slowed her pace on purpose because she got booed so badly, she was afraid to win it. I’m not sure if I don’t feel the same about Shaunae Miller diving in front of Allyson Felix. It’s legal, but I can’t help hoping Miller has track burn on her elbows and knees from the slide.

My heart breaks for the runners who disqualify themselves by a single false start. Can we talk about do-overs? The IOC gave most of Russia a do-over after a government-sponsored drug scandal. But I’m sure their next failed drug tests will end like this… “Must have been all the prophylactic Zika meds.”

Okay, so Lochte was making a mess and didn’t want any bad publicity. Sadly, Jimmy Feigan did get robbed; having to “donate” over $10,000 to a charity to avoid going to a South American jail. Google yourselves, Brazil—that still looks like corruption to me, so your reputation holds.

Synchronized swimming— nice job on the Game of Thrones music!

The New York Times did a study on the 100M; arguably the who’s-the-fastest-human race. The fastest 11-year old runners in 2016 run the same time as the 1896 gold medal winner. In 120 years the winning time has improved by about three seconds. So… by 2316 the race will really be a long jump at .3 seconds?

I’m still holding out hope that I could be in the Olympics someday. The French equestrian jumper is 58 so if I start right now…

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