HomeEditorialIt’s All Fun & Games Until Somebody Gets An Eye Poked Out

It’s All Fun & Games Until Somebody Gets An Eye Poked Out

by Mike Payne

As I write this, there are nineteen days, ten hours, twenty-one minutes and fifty-nine seconds left until the Presidential election. In a normal election year this would amount to just under three weeks. This year, however, that amount of time actually represents a lifetime, maybe two, when you consider what might transpire before we push, pull, punch, or mail our choice for President on Election Day. I’ve tried to imagine some of what could happen between now and then…

It might be revealed that Hillary received the first successful head transplant, and that she actually has the brain of Harambe; or that Donald Trump used to be a woman, and in the comfort of his own home almost always dresses in Jimmy Choo’s and a corset.

Or, perhaps Julian Assange will release John Kerry’s tax returns, showing him to have practically been on welfare before he met the Ketchup queen. Wait—never mind—that happened in real life. Let’s try this one: Kelly Ann Conway is Vladimir Putin’s secret lover and Donald Trump has a 90% interest in Stolichnaya Vodka, a Russian and American staple.

Of course, there’s former President William Jefferson Clinton to consider. It may be reported that 29 more women came forward to claim he sexually assaulted them, but then that wouldn’t be a real surprise to anyone. Maybe they’ll find evidence that Hillary and Huma have a “thang”. Again—yawn. Who doesn’t suspect that already?

What if the CIA was to reveal that there really are aliens, and Trump is one of those reptilians with the really long tongues that eat people, shoes and all? We can play this game all day—except that it isn’t a game, and some of these may have to occur for this race to get any crazier.

It appears that when Hillary talks about “handlers”, she’s talking about the two FBI agents that follow her around and, from time to time, have to really handle her, holding her up until she can fall into the car. Nothing to see here, folks…. Move along.

What if Trump’s tax returns really do show he didn’t pay any taxes for twenty years? Who wouldn’t want to figure out how to do that? I have a friend who has been a CPA for 49 years, and he says he has never had one of his clients say, “Gee, is that all I owe? I feel guilty. You better add on another fifty thousand.”

How about this one—Mark Cuban gets rich with an IQ of 59. Has anyone actually listened to the guy? He’s living proof that a thousand monkeys typing on a thousand typewriters for a thousand years can write the great American novel; there’s about as much chance of that as of Mark Cuban ending up a billionaire…

This election has devolved into the lowest common denominator. This may come as a surprise for some, but it is not even the result of the seeming ineptitude of the candidates. No, it is actually because of the gross stupidity of much of the press and media coverage. I had CNN on the other day, and there was considerable wailing and gnashing of teeth concerning Trump’s comment that if he were President, Hillary would be in jail. They spent eons pontificating on the fact that obviously, as President, Trump would usurp all authority and personally hop in his motorcade, go find her, and bring her in like Matt Dillon did on Gunsmoke. Is the media really that stupid? Or do they just believe the American people are?

There are those who say a Trump presidency might mirror Winston Churchill who responded to a woman’s confrontation about him being drunk with, “Yes, I am drunk; but tomorrow I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.” Crass, but true, perhaps?

Regarding this election, Abraham Lincoln expressed it best with this admonishment: “Elections belong to the people. It’s their decision. If they decide to turn their back on the fire and burn their behinds, then they will just have to sit on their blisters.”

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