How many laws does Santa Claus break in the normal execution of his duties?
Santa Claus is involved in many regulatory and federal criminal infractions even before he starts his ride on Christmas Eve.
Long before Dec 25, he is actively engaged in full-time surveillance of 1.9 billion children. In the course of compiling this colossal “naughty-or-nice” list, he active engages in reading emails and letters, if not flat-out hacking your computers, which is a violation of the 4th Amendment. The federal government has not determined whether his special circumstances are in violation of the Patriot Act to date.
While it’s difficult to test or prove, we can also be fairly certain that among the millions of homes just in the United States, he probably has one or two adult beverages to keep him warm so it’s likely that he would not pass a DUI test if we were to stop him.
Which leads me to the fact that scientists estimate his speed, to reach every home in 24 hours, exceeds 1800 miles per second. Definitely time for a reckless driving ticket.
He also violates the airspace of nearly every country on the globe but that’s for the FAA to investigate.
We also need to consider his health code violations. Reindeer act as carriers for tuberculosis and ‘foot and mouth’ disease, failure to abide by these rules can pose a significant health risk. And Rudolph’s red nose is obviously a symptom of infectious bovine rhinotracheitis.
We are also not certain about any slave labor issues that may come about when we investigate his elf-labor contracts.
Putting aside all the global and national infractions, just here in Georgetown, he will be guilty of disturbing the peace, unless he has figured out how to land nearly 2000 pounds of reindeer and a sleigh full of retail items on a person’s roof without making noise. We will also be looking into any property damage; e.g., unless those broken shingles magically fix themselves when his 1000-pound sleigh takes off.
Following that will be criminal trespass, which is a misdemeanor, but the volume of occurrences may warrant greater punishment by the judiciary.
Santa will certainly be breaking and entering many private citizen residences, and may be charged with sexual misconduct should be be found kissing anyone’s mommy.
We will also entertain any HOA complaints should Mr. Kringle fail to curb his reindeer while in the city limits.
Chief Wayne Nero and Assistant Chief Cory Tchida are the finest elves at the GPD. Send questions for the Chief to firstname.lastname@example.org