Is it weird to use The Inferno for a summer vacation column? Was trying to find something as profound as the feeling of not thinking about work for ten whole days in a row. Dante fits the bill, one, when you go to Hawaii; two, you leave the inferno of Texas in June, and three, go away long enough to forget all your passwords. That was awesome. It was a once-in-a-decade kind of trip, but totally worth it. Still, I wouldn’t be Advocatie if I didn’t find things to make fun of.
First off, why did I get ugly and grouchy and totally freak out starting 48 hours before? Cleaned my house as if there was going to be a royal visit of some kind while I was gone. Cut the lawn in the dark because I was busy doing three weeks of work in the final four days and didn’t want to read the HOA nastygram about my tall grass the minute I got back. Blighters.
Debated much too long on what temperature to leave the thermostat so I turned it off. Big mistake. My living room was 92 degrees when I got home and it took nearly 24 hours to cool off.
When visiting our 50th state, plan to bring a bucket; not for sand but for the cash you will need at the grocery store. Yesterday at Walmart I paid $1.88 for Progresso beef barley. Last week at the North Shore FoodLand, it was $7.99. So much for saving by eating in the room. No surprise there are many homeless in Hawaii, and considering it cost me two paychecks to fly there, it’s not like unfortunate folks can go somewhere else to find work.
And can someone explain to me why a shrimp meal—at a shrimp restaurant that is, literally, six feet from the shrimp pond where I could actually see the shrimp farmer harvesting the shrimps in real time for the shrimp plate—should cost $16? I could understand the production costs if I ordered a Louisiana catfish or Maine lobster, but, wow.
I also have to give it to President Trump for finally telling the world how bad some of our U.S. airports are. Having been outside the country a few times, I have often been impressed with the mall-like quality and appearance of our global counterparts. And while there are many clean, lovely and downright homey hubs here at home, I am now embarrassed that so much of the world comes to America through LAX.
For the airport that feeds Hollywood and some of our most famous, glamorous people, that place was unbelievably rude, inconvenient and dirty. Skip it if you can. Movie stars are not running from the paparazzi, they are avoiding listeria.
The most memorable thing, other than the $25 tab at Burger King (no kidding) was the bouncy young woman who was live streaming in Arabic and mugging at her cell phone; proving millennials of all nations love short-shorts, tongue rings and their Instagram followers.
On the plus side, I will make fun of myself. While vacation in 1977 was board games, sand castles, Archie comics and fighting with my siblings, vacation in 2017 was binge-streaming Hulu TV in the sand, pausing briefly only to take a quick phone photo of the sand crab cleaning out his little home next to my chair and illustrating my attitude about having to go home.
So I guess I can’t complain too much about progress. Yes, I know I was lying on one of the world’s most beautiful beaches, but I had pretty much taken in the scenery by day 8 and half a season of “The Man in the High Castle” with waves lapping my feet was pretty awesome.
Lord knows I have developed technology-ADD in the last decade and was really glad to have such an effective distraction while my back was burning.
Oh yeah, I’m still an idiot who thinks an hour without sunscreen at 20 degrees north of the equator is not dangerous. Excuse me while I go dip my back scratcher in aloe.