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Advo-Catie: Not Christmas Too!

We have known for a while that the world is being overrun by liberal bias and snowflakes. Ironically, it’s only a matter of time before Santa Claus, the King of Snow, is declared inappropriate as an overweight, straight male who may or may not be using slave, or at least non-union, labor. Whyever are we still letting small children sit on this man’s lap?

Seriously, people. This month we heard Charlie Brown is racist and Rudolf celebrates bullying and misogyny. What? No outrage about a non-licensed elf pulling Bombie’s teeth in an unsanitary environment then monster-shaming him?

Well, isn’t it a relief, dear readers, that the Grinch is green, is mean to dogs (Public Policy Polling says liberals prefer cats), and steals from the rich? Heck, —with those credentials, Grinchy will live forever! At least until the aliens with furry green heads and tiny hearts arrive and are offended by his cultural appropriation.

So let’s get back to it; Santa’s eight reindeer were also unscrupulously plagiarized from a flying Viking warhorse with eight legs who traded candy and treats for horse food. Where are all the angry Norse protesters? Or even the Germans and Dutch, from whom we have changed Donder and Blixem (Thunder and Lightning) to dancing, castrated deer? (Only females and castrated males keep their antlers past early December.)

Our modern icons are also major cons by huge, greedy corporations. Throughout history, St. Nicholas dressed in any color he liked—blue, mauve, whatever. In 1931, Coca-Cola put together a massive ad campaign featuring Santa in their red and white colors. The ads were so ubiquitous—it’s Coke, after all—they effectively locked Santa’s fashion down from that point on.

Later, in 1939, our darling Rudolph was created for an assignment for the Montgomery Ward company, which decided creating their own coloring book would make more money. We are such dupes. Never mind the lesson that being different is sometimes cool and better.

George Bailey’s Wonderful Life convinced us that rich people and big banks are evil and can’t be trusted. Hmmm, I guess we can move to Bedford Falls after all.

Is Clark Griswold even *thinking* about using green energy for all those lights?

Frosty?… hates cops and I’m sure all those kids developed abandonment issues after he thumpety thumped out of town.

I am triple-dog sure if snowflakes get their way, Ralphie will never discover his official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle at the last minute. But certainly they will keep the part about him shooting his eye out to prove a point about gun control. This movie also celebrates obscenities, child abuse (Palmolive had a nice after-dinner piquant but Lifebuoy, yuck!) and invites violence against bullies, Bumpas hounds and Chinese ducks. So…out it goes!

“Baby It’s Cold Outside” is too suggestive? Gasp. Before they told me that, I had no idea people drank and fooled around during the holidays. I’ve been triggered! Quick—someone bring support cats to my safe space!

Home Alone… just keep the change, ya filthy animal. Breaking and entering, undue stress on a tarantula, child endangerment and abuse (Harry bit Kevin on the finger). Is it any wonder that Kevin, a kid with anger issues and a propensity for building deadly contraptions, probably grew up to be a serial killer named Jigsaw?

Is it, further, any wonder then that my favorite Christmas movie is “Die Hard”? The lead female is named Holly, for goodness’ sake. This classic doesn’t even try to disguise itself as wholesome or merry while sneaking in all those deplorable notions about corporate success and nothing matters more than family. In the end, the smart guy with the concealed gun wins; yippie-ki-yay, haters.

And before you even start, can we just stipulate ahead of time that the Easter Bunny is offensive to vegans and eggs have nothing to do with rabbits anyway?

Satire aside, I do wish all y’all the very best and most Advo-catedly irreverent Christmas! I’m gonna go put on my MAGA hat and eat a Quarter Pounder next to my nativity display.

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